Predators: The ultra shit movie that preys on the poor misinformed people out there

I have been  very excited to see Inception, especially after hearing all the buzz going around on facebook, the internet and word of mouth but possibly the most important  factor involved in my decision is  MIHIR’S REVIEW: https://filmfix.wordpress.com/2010/07/16/inception-review/

And today being a Sunday, the one day I get off and am completely free in my LBW camp in the States, I was completely psyched and pumped to see this amazingly hyped, apparently brilliant and supposedly epic movie in an American cinema. So I gathered some friends and we walked to the cinema at around 2:30 planning to catch the 3:00 show, but being as dumb and stupid as I am, I didnt think of booking the tickets which meant when we got there the tickets were sold out. But my hope to see a good movie resurfaced when we decided to go watch the Robert Rodriguez produced, Nimrod Antal directed movie named, yes you guessed it, Predators. Now, I’m just going to be straightforward with this one right now, the movie sucked, and not so sucky its funny bad, it was just plain, how should I put this…, SHIT.

Predators

Plotline

The movie stars Adrien Brody, who plays an ex-black ops mercenary named Royce, and starts off with him awakening from unconsciousness only to find himself parachuting into a jungle. After touching down he meets several other characters who arrived in the same manner:

Mexican drug cartel enforcer Cuchillo (Danny Trejo, who will be starring in the upcoming Machete: https://filmfix.wordpress.com/2010/07/10/158/ ), Spetsnaz soldier Nikolai (Oleg Taktarov), Israel Defense Forces sniper Isabelle (Alice Braga), Revolutionary United Front officer Mombasa (Mahershalalhashbaz Ali), death row inmate Stans (Walton Goggins), Yakuza enforcer Hanzo (Louis Ozawa Changchien), and doctor Edwin (Topher Grace).

They then find out that in this jungle, which just happens to be on an alien planet, they are being hunted by Predators, pretty much alien hunters, after which this movie is named.  All that ensues is the fight between these humans and the Predators, with a few twists along the way, one of which arises in the form of Noland (Laurence Fishburne).

predator.jpg (800×517)

Review

I confess that I have never watched the original Predators nor any of the sequels including Alien vs. Predator, but in my eyes the movie sucked for 3 main reasons 1) The plot 2) The charaters and their dialogues and 3) The action sequences

Alright, to start off with the stupid, crappy, absurd, not enough revealed, and in essence pointless plot. I mean who would pay $9, 30Dhs, whatever it is you pay for your movie ticket to watch just a whole bunch of nonsense unfurl before your eyes. And fine I agree action movies usually don’t necessarily have a good storyline per say but at least most action movies ARE FUN. I mean this movie wasn’t fun, it was just plain stupid, with no real plot intricacies and only a few twists which barely even arouse any sense of shock nor surprise in a viewer. Now, the ending was also stupid and I don’t want to spoil it for any of you who are going to watch it, and I am praying for you already but let’s just say its completely open to the sequel and the quintessential romantic action hero couple are still on the planet.

2) The characters and dialogue, now with this movie being in the works for many years, anyone would expect even, at least a semi-decent script. Now let me tell you this, don’t expect a semi-decent script, don’t expect a tolerable script, be prepared to lay witness to a crappier version of your run of the mill action movie script. I mean the dialogue was so bad I cringed when I GUESSED THE LINE THAT WAS COMING UP CORRECTLY, I could probably write these lines while going into anaphylactic shock by watching every crap movie ever made. The dialogue was so cliche, that it felt like I was watching every single crap action movie crammed into one half an hour session. Rants about absolute shit dialogue aside, the characters in this movie had great potential for excitement and pointless fun, but no one aside from Adrien Brody and Walton Goggins, acted  even minutely believably in the part that they played. I felt no emotion when any of the characters died (not saying who), and saw no change in any character besides Royce and the Doctor, even Fishburne failed at pulling off his Dissociative Personality Disorder ridden character. All the characters in this movie should have died, they all deserved it solely due to how unbelievably crap and one dimensional they were, but needless to say they didnt all die. Don’t worry I’m not going to spoil it for any of you poor souls who have to go through that one and a half hour of just BS that smells, sounds and looks like it came out of a cows ass

3) The action sequences were very disappointing, not to put too fine a point on it. When I walk into an action movie, I want to be thrilled by the explosions, feel like I’m there when the bullets are being fired, I want to experience the brutality of the hand to hand combat and this movie did none of that for me. Though there were some nice trap scenes, the actual fighting was nothing than a blur of weird blue plasma shots and blades as well as green and red blood flying through the air. I was just dumbfounded at how badly spent those $40 million were spent on the action choreography and CGI.

Long Conclusion

Now besides those main problems I had with this movie, along with a plethora of others, something else motivated me to write this scathing and possibly expectation shattering review. When I got out of the cinema with my friends, we all agreed it was a shit movie, along with possibly every other torchered individual in the cinema. I even asked my friend if we could sue the cinema to give me my money back as a joke, and in all seriousness he replied if we walked in the first half hour they would have given us that money back. After that statement I almost cried at that waste of $9 and an hour or so of my life.  I mean this movie reminded me of another shitty action movie I had seen before called the Devil’s Tomb which just FYI was a direct to video release. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Devil’s_Tomb

This movie according to one of my other friends should have been a straight to garbage release, a sentiment I can wholeheartedly understand, but none of these is the reason I truly wrote this review, nor is the fact that there is a SEQUEL COMING OUT because the movie completely covered its budget. But rather, what motivated me was the review and ratings it was given by critics. This movie was rated 63% FRESH, YES FRESH, on rotten tomatoes which I cannot understand and I don’t want other avid movie buffs falling for this weird and decent score. It even holds a 7.2/10 rating on IMDB, which in my eyes is more shit than the movie, AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING. 63% makes no sense, this tomato is so rotten I can smell it and see the green mold engulfing the tomato from at least 200 miles away.

So please guys please, trust me when I say this movie is shit and if you do watch it, promise me you will truly write up how much you hated it? And for those of you who watched the predators franchise, did you enjoy this sequel and if so WHY?! and more importantly WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

But all jokes aside  I’m totally open to people who disagree, which also happens to include 63% of the critics out there.

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